Weekly Movie Review: Ready or Not (2019)

Truly “killer” flick; nice pun ya?

Seriously though: old mansion, rich devil worshippers, great plot and backstory sprinkled throughout as the movie goes along.  The devil in this one, Mr. LeBail (clever anagram for Belial, Hebrew’s OG King of Evil) needs a sacrifice before dawn or this wealthy family is fucked.

The cast is phenomenal. The dude from the OC (Daniel) provided some brilliant sarcasm and dry humor that lightened the movie up wonderfully. Great mix of humor and horror here.

I love that we see the deterioration of the protagonist’s wedding dress the more the movie goes along, symbolizing the deterioration of her less than day old marriage. In addition, she uses parts of her dress as a deadly weapon. What begins as a dazzling white dress is nothing but blackened and bloody rags by the film’s conclusion.

Kills are gruesome and sometimes silly, but overall well done. Film took on a slightly Purge-like feel, but meh, hard to be 100% original these days. At least it’s not another fucking superhero garbage remake.

8.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: No One Lives (2012)

The “generous” rating I bestowed upon this film was due to the fact that, like the title implies, no one lives. And kudos to our anti-hero for saying the title of the film in the film. The writing was not good. The actors were not good. But the kills were cute and the one-liners were cringy. Plus we get some boobage.

3/10

Weekly Movie Review: The Irishman (2019)

*I don’t usually review non-horror, but this movie is worth a review.

Definitely a Scorsese film, no doubt. It’s a well-shot movie with a lot of great camera work. We get perfect backstory, but Scorsese doesn’t spell everything out for you; typical M.O., there’s always a little mystery and confusion, but that helps keep the viewer entranced and locked in.

Could it have been shorter? Maybe cap it at 3 hours? Definitely. Should it have been? Eh, probably not. It’s easy to get lost in the story, the connections, the glory of mob life. But it’s always tragic to see that the luxurious lifestyle and power never lasts forever.

By the end of the film, we see our protagonist stripped down to nothing - a bare bones and lonely man with nothing left. It’s a film about choices, loyalty, family, and internal conflict.

Obviously, it’s gonna draw a lot of similarities to Goodfellas, but I think it stands on its own and is worthy of its own place in cinema without having to be compared or held up to it in any regard. As for what happened to Hoffa, that’s for you to decide.

9/10

Weekly Movie Review: Sadako vs. Kayako (2016)

Had some obvious reservations going into the movie, and while I had fun watching it, I don't remember feeling genuinely scared, except for maybe a part or two here and there. Certain deaths were cool, Kayako (Grudge) was horrifying, and the little grudge boy was creepy as hell. Interesting concept and had some potential, but a flawed execution and strange story-line made this not my most favorite horror movie.

5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Dr. Sleep (2019)

Very conflicted over this one. The first 30-45 minutes, I was entranced: the camera work was FLAWLESS. The start of the movie begins with an extreme long shot and same intro music as the original Shining film. The camera work throughout continued to be amazing - lots of cool transitions and extreme long shots, especially during car scenes. The movement and panning was masterful. There was a plethora of references to the original movie as well, but they didn’t beat you over the head with them - alas, no Nicholson in the flesh here, but his presence is in all the alcohol Danny struggles with throughout the film. On its hinges, it’s a film about addiction and facing your past.

Unfortunately, as is typical of King film adaptations, the movie takes multiple hard left turns, but never gets it right. The majority of the meat of the plot turns into some sort of weird vampire film and a battle of good shines against bad shines. And while I admire the original Shining immensely - I was fearful that this adaptation would be a shot-for-shot remake or over-reliance on the original - I wanted some more of what made the original so compelling: the Overlook. We get a glimmer of it towards the very end of the film, and I feel that some of the most gripping moments occurred here. Good job for this film that it can stand alone, but it stands alone almost too much.

Great metaphorical allusions to addiction, mental health, and specifically, existentialism; a great line by Danny during a conversation with a dying hospice patient: “The world is one big hospice with fresh air.” Unfortunately, the moments of good writing were few and far between, and while it’s a fun enough movie to watch, it didn’t really unsettle me psychologically as The Shining did. But hey, it wasn’t the worst piece of crap I’ve ever seen and it certainly could have done worse, especially considering you’re talking iconic/legendary horror preceding it.

6.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Eli (2019)

Decent flick. I like the story, plus the twist towards the end was unexpected. Plot at times lacked execution, writing was kind of dull, and its just difficult to take a setting that's been done to death and try to make it fresh. Still enjoyed it overall though.

6/10

Weekly Movie Review: Orphan (2009)

Somehow never got around to watching this until recently. Very cool flick. Of course this was part of the era where that actress from Insidious and The Conjuring was in every horror movie, but she did a great job here as the recovering alcoholic mom. Kid who played Esther (the Orphan) was phenomenally evil and devious. Plot was gripping, film was well shot, and kills were BRUTAL. I dig it.

7.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: ZombieLand (2009)

Great flick; had a bit of every major genre throughout - some drama, obviously horror, comedy, suspense, and romance. I don’t like Eisenberg, but I can’t really see anyone else playing this part as well as he did: a nerdy, befuddled, introvert. Harrelson on was awesome as gun slinging Tallahassee. Breslin did a good job as the kid who had to grow up too fast. Emma Stone is smoking hot and plays the tough bad chick beautifully. It’s a fun movie and had some great depth despite being another friggin zombie movie with comedic undertones. It did it well.

7/10

Weekly Movie Review: Haunt (2019)

This movie somehow flew under my radar, but man, glad I caught it. Really well done. Hard to take an old trope and make it fresh but we have a haunted house movie meets Saw that’s really made well. Scares weren’t cheap and jumpy, and deaths were inventive. Loved the antagonists in this film. Insanely creepy. Lots of twists and unexpected turns. Its good fun this flick.

7.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Joker (2019)

Preface: no spoilers here.

I can see why this film was so divisive. A lot of people saw the DC label and thought it was gonna be that run of the mill bullshit that both Marvel and DC have been putting out: Action packed, explosions, no plot, shallow characters with shallow lines, trite and cliche garbage. This film was the antithesis that I feel that genre of films so desperately needed.

Many people are inclined to believe that this is strictly a film about mental health awareness/a person suffering from mental illness, and while I adamantly believe that there is still a massive stigma towards mental illness and those suffering, it would be doing this film a disservice to lump it one-dimensionally into that regard. Yes, it is partly a commentary on the lack of funding and accessibility to mental health services, but it is so much more than that.

This film is incredibly dark, visceral, gruesome, and gut-wrenching. And not just in a violent way, though that is part of it. It is a much needed prequel to how this character came to be - a deep-dive into the human psyche that is complete with all the sadness and struggle and pain and heartache that comes with a troubled existence. Phoenix does a masterful job at really capturing the essence of this character from multiple dimensions. And while I’m not going into a comparison of Phoenix’s rendition vs Ledger’s, I do feel that as a whole human character, Phoenix grasped the role in an all-encompassing fashion that was relatable from an everyday, human being standpoint as opposed to just a looney supervillain.

Phoenix’s rendition had depth and substance and heartbreak and soul and brought me to tears. For my money, it’s one of the better acting performances I have seen in my lifetime, and despite his extraordinary repertoire, this is right up there with his role in The Master. While some may argue that acting “crazy” is an easy thing to do, it’s not as easy to show the restraint and perform without it being over the top as Phoenix is able to do. This is where Joaquin shines, striking that balance and walking the tightrope between sane and insane with delicate aplomb. It’s all the horrible things that he does and yet you wonder why you’re still rooting for and championing him.

I highly recommend this film. It’s shot beautifully and cast perfectly. Joaquin Phoenix deserves an Oscar, hands down. This film is incredibly hard to watch and even more difficult to digest. It sticks with you after the credits roll and while you’re lying in bed. This is cinema at its finest.

9.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Child's Play (2019)

Had my serious doubts about this remake. But it was surprisingly decent. The film went in a current and modern direction with the popularity of Alexa and other voice-activated AI shit that people seem to be all about. Some really cool and gruesome death scenes with a plot that was actually intriguing and flowed well. Cast was really excellent top to bottom, especially the main kid. Doll was creepy and funny and weird but in a way that was different from the 80s version. It wasn’t a straight remake which I particularly found refreshing. Worth a watch.

7/10

Weekly Movie Review: The Dead Don't Die (2019)

Fucked up, weird movie. Wouldn’t really expect anything less from Jarmusch, though. He’s getting a bit less subtle in his old age. Score was very much reminiscent of his Dead Man film, with a heavy reverb, eerie western-ish guitar. Dark comedic at times, typical deadpan delivery from virtually all the cast members throughout the film with lines that are Jarmusch-heavy in their awkwardness/monotony and general strangeness. It’s a weird one alright. Not as scary as I would’ve liked, but meta enough and good commentary on how we’re becoming a world of zombies, though could’ve been stated more subtly.

6.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: IT Chapter 2 (2019)

If you’re gonna watch IT Chapter 2, get cozy cause it’s 3 hours long. It had some more Pennywise, which was nice cause he was kind of absent in the first movie, at least from a dialogue standpoint and I think that’s one of the strongest parts of these films. So good job of making more one on one dialogue happen. But yeah, definitely too long. They could’ve gotten that movie done in 2 hours or less, easy. I also didn’t care for the main character essentially playing Stephen King, jabbing at his friends and audience for his notoriously bad endings. Without any spoilers, this ending is no different. Flashbacks to childhood were cool, but slightly overused. Scares were kind of silly and one-dimensional (lots of loud, bassy booms, chasing, and almost cartoony kind of animations), and not as scary as the awesome old lady trailer made it out to be. Go watch it on discount day and keep your expectations low; the cast is at least enjoyable and works cohesively.

5.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Eerie (2018)

Wasn’t sure what to expect from this, but man, I really enjoyed it. Turns a lot of the expected horror clichés and tropes upside down. It is shot beautifully; the director’s eye for creepiness and imagery is wonderful. The music is sparse but well placed and definitely creepy. Mirrors and reflection are used heavily but not in the way we’ve come to expect from the horror genre which was refreshing. And the rule of three’s goes out the window with this one. Slightly predictable ending, though not entirely. This is a solid flick.

7.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019)

No mistaking this: definitely a Guillermo del Toro presence throughout this film. Quirky but very adept, believable, and relatable cast - our heroine performs marvelously. Some of the scares/deaths are insanely creative and visually stunning. We falter, however, as the movie goes on, as the director and writers try and force some Vietnam/Nixon story into the scary stories happening around our team of good guys. Perhaps the director is trying to make a point that the stories of the soldiers Nixon sent over to Nam were already written in death before they were drafted and deployed? I don’t know, not my place to speculate. The movie was entertaining enough, despite a VERY lackluster and seemingly thrown together ending. Worth a watch for sheer spookiness and imaginativeness.

6/10

Weekly Movie Review: Audition (1999)

Heard lots of good things about this film for a long time, finally gave it a shot and for the most part it didn’t disappoint. Dude loses his wife and after 7 years finally decides to get back on the dating scene. He works as a TV producer so I don’t know how he isn’t just slaying it in that department, but whatever. He and his buddy hold a mock audition for a show that doesn’t exist and he narrows it down to about 30 women. Of course, the last girl who auditions blows this dude’s mind and he becomes obsessed with her. We learn some troubling things about the girl little by little over the course of the movie. His buddy/coworker is like “this chick is mental, I’d stay away.” He ignores all the red flags, and eventually bad shit starts to happen.

The movie drags slightly, but I guess its important backstory; probably could’ve been done a bit quicker but the Japanese love to tease out drama and suspense, so whatever. After 90 minutes, we get to some pretty horrific torture elements - this chick is bananas, and it’s honestly kind of attractive. I digress. We get a good 15-20 mins of torture before the movie just sort of ends. Lots of weird dream sequences and drug induced strangeness the latter half of the movie. All in all, solid film and worth a watch.

7/10

Weekly Movie Review: Gonjiam - Haunted Asylum (2018)

Let me start by saying that I think there are WAY too many found footage films being made ever since Blair Witch and the Paranormal Activity movies. And it makes sense: most of them are very low budget and they’re easy to make as a result of filming style. Most of them are also low quality and unwatchable. This is not one of those. We follow a group of Horror enthusiasts to a rundown asylum; that’s the only cliché we get, however. Lots of originality once inside the asylum. Really great scares, good acting, and some intensely creepy shit going on.

8/10

Weekly Movie Review: The House that Jack Built (2018)

I will say, despite what I knew going in, that I was a little surprised at the uproar this caused at the Cannes Film Festival. Gruesome, violent, taboo: sure. But if one looks past the blood and gore, this film is a stunning piece of cinema.

Jack, our hero/villain - depending on how you choose to view him - is recounting 5 of his most memorable murders to whom we come to find out is Virgil, author of the famous Aeneid. Virgil tries to instill in Jack a viewpoint that the only true art in life is love, while Jack sees art as destruction.

Jack has mega OCD to start the film, but as he continues to kill, his OCD diminishes. He uses a “shadow between two lampposts” comparison to explain his lust for murder which is wonderfully told and beautifully executed.

The first 100 minutes are gripping, as the story flows seamlessly and is shot beautifully. The last 50 minutes, the story, similarly to Jack’s mind begin to disintegrate: the cops are onto him, and he’s becoming exponentially more reckless. We get some useless shots of Von Trier’s personal love affair with Nazis and Hitler, but all in all they pass by quickly enough. The last 30 minutes, Jack meets Virgil and the two begin the descent into Hell. Lots of surrealist cinematography and wonderful artistic shots play out here until the film’s conclusion.

Overall, this is as close to groundbreaking horror as it gets, in my opinion. It fits in with the “smart-horror” craze that’s been going on lately, but executes it in a way that’s more cohesive, less cheesy bullshit (talking to you It Comes at Night), and completely original. It pushes boundaries and it’s certainly not for everybody, but it’s definitely worth a watch if you’re not a one-dimensional snob and it’ll certainly make you think.

9/10

Weekly Movie Review: Crawl (2019)

Everything wrong about the miserable state of Florida came to life here. Hurricanes (hurricane season lasts for 5-6 months). Alligators (year round). Traffic (year round). Humidity (10-11 months). Bullshit (year round).

We get some relevant backstory for the first 20 minutes, and then the last 70 is spent in a crawl space during a hurricane with alligator infested waters. Myself, personal PTSD went rampant after going through Andrew, Katrina, Irma, and others. Luckily no alligators, however. I digress.

Lots of gruesome deaths: bone breaking, flesh tearing, bloody goodness. We also get some heartstring pulls as we see multiple shots of Barry Pepper continuing to wear his wedding ring despite a bitter divorce.

But as the movie goes on, we stay stuck in one dimension for a great deal of the film; none of our main characters bite the dust, despite both being horrifically injured. It’s a good enough watch, however, especially if you’ve ever survived a hurricane and/or alligator attack.

6.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Us (2019)

I saw this when it came out in theatres but forgot to review it due to inebriation.

In my opinion, WAY better than Get Out. It was intensely creepy and i felt the plot had more substance and directions in which to go. But this isn’t a comparison review. It’s a review free of preconceived shit. This movie is way unsettling; it’s a bit heavy handed on the humor element, but makes up for it with a spooky atmosphere and unnerving energy. Quite enjoyable and a bit of a head scratcher by the end credits.

7/10

Weekly Movie Review: Midsommar (2019)

It had a lot of hype. And for the most part, it didn’t disappoint. We get really beautiful shots of nature juxtaposed with visceral horror. We get to see things through the eyes of the female and male perspective. It’s hard not to choose sides within the first 15-20 minutes. We start in the darkness of the city and quickly get immersed in the light of the deep countryside. Unsettling = definitely. Trippy = most certainly. Humorous - at times, hell yeah. You wouldn’t guess the movie is almost two and a half hours long. But we get a little one dimensional as the movie wears on, and echoes of Hereditary pop up more and more towards the end, which was disappointing to say the least. Still, it’s new and fresh and artistically, just stunning. But horror-wise, it was lacking.

7.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Annabelle Comes Home (2019)

The Conjuring, it is not. We’ll get that out of the way right meow. But as far as the Annabelle movies go, this one is probably one of the better ones. Jump scares galore, and lots of shadow play, unexpected non-scares, and just the right amount of humor. You’re in suspense pretty much the whole movie, right from the get-go and it continues until the credits roll. It’s solid.

7/10

Weekly Movie Review: Pet Sematary (2019)

Hard to top the original; the 80s version is one of my all-time favorite horror flicks and an undisputed classic. While I wouldn’t say the remake was better, it certainly stood well enough on its own and brought some freshness to the genre. Lots of nods to the original without redoing the same things. Very unsettling, and more in a psychological way than the original film. Definitely worth a watch and most certainly creepy as hell.

7.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: The Prodigy (2019)

Low expectations going in, considering the horror genre has been shit lately, but this was actually pretty solid. It’s an Omen-ish ripoff, and essentially a possession movie without really being a typical “possession” movie. Gore is minimal, jump scares are used sparingly and cleverly, creepiness factor is on a decent level. It’s not gonna scare you to death or keep you up at night, but it’ll hold your attention and bring some freshness to the genre.

7/10

Weekly Movie Review: Escape Room (2019)

Great soundtrack; unfortunately that was the best part of the movie. Some of the rooms were clever and fun; started getting lazier as it wore on. Very Saw and Cube inspired. Character introductions and development were lazy at best. But escape rooms are fun. Wish the deaths had a bit more thought put into them too. Bah.

3.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Red Christmas (2016)

Bleh. Downs vs Downs for ultimate Christmas battle. Weak, disfigured Downs takes vengeance upon his mother who tried to abort him at birth, kills off remaining family one at a time. Over the top and campy, at times funny, meh.

3.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Awesome premise for this movie; little boy sees his parents get murdered by a crazed Santa, grows up with Xmas PTSD, eventually goes on a rampage one Xmas. 80s cheese to the max. Kills were kinda cool and creative, though many lacked believability. Borefest at times. Meh. I don’t need to see it again.

4/10

Weekly Movie Review: Lights Out (2016)

Saw this movie in theatres whenever it came out a few years back; upon revisiting I have the same sentiments towards it. Really killer opening, among one of the top horror intros ever. Love the Ghost poster in the protagonist’s room. Acted well enough. Storyline is intriguing enough. Scares are mostly jumpy, but all in all worth the watch.

6.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: The Alienators Movie (2014)

This was ultimate cheese. But the actor playing Vic Singe sort of saves this movie, cussing, belching, farting, drinking, etc. all during an alien abduction investigation. He’s ridiculous and silly, which makes the movie more palatable; if this was made to be serious, it would have been a disaster. Again, from a horror standpoint, don’t expect anything to scare you, except maybe Vic’s demeanor and overall obscene nature. Even though I did not finish the movie in one take; it took me four tries to watch the entire film. So take that as you will.

3.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Always Watching - A Marble Hornets Story (2015)

Slender Man inspired film, sub-par plot, decent casting and acted well enough to keep my attention. Scares were one-dimensional, heavy reliance on hop-scares (too dull to be called a jump scare), and were all the same. Follows a trio of reporters who only notice a figure while looking through a camera. Unless you really like Slender Man; I’d steer clear.

3/10

Weekly Movie Review: Halloween (2018)

Such great anticipation for this film and for the most part it didn’t let me down. It has an old school horror feel with a modern day twist. It’s difficult to pull off a slasher flick these days without running into cliches but this film did a really good job of creating tension and bringing more dimension, at least during the first half of the film. As it progressed, it sort of fell into its old habits a bit, becoming a bit predictable and one dimensional, but nevertheless it delivers what it promises. Character development could’ve been a bit more fleshed out but otherwise a nice combination of the original 78 flick with the violence of the Rob Zombie remake.

7.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Mom & Dad (2017)

Love the idea of parents going crazy and killing their kids. Wish it would actually happen in some instances. Nic Cage is crazy again, this time singing the Hokey Pokey while destroying a pool table with a sledgehammer. Seems like the point of the movie was trying to call into question “why do we procreate when it basically ruins your life?” So for that, I applaud it. It was weird and strange enough to keep me interested, but felt more like a dark comedy with horror elements sprinkled in.

6/10

Weekly Movie Review: Vampire's Kiss (1988)

I will say from a horror standpoint, this movie is awful. Not once are you scared. But from a comedy standpoint, this movie is brilliant. If you wanna see overacting at its finest, watch Nic Cage in this movie. It’s overacting even by his standards, and that’s saying something. His performance borders between ridiculous and strangely brilliant. Some sort of valley boy, surfer accent that he falls in and out of throughout the whole movie, despite being born in Philadelphia and now living in New York. It’s worth a watch just for some serious laughs, but don’t expect to be scared. He recites the entire alphabet....what???

Horror - 2/10

Comedy - 8/10

Weekly Movie Review: Terrifier (2016)

Creepy/campy 80s throwback/gore fest. The way it’s shot has an old school feel to it, and the clown is by far one of the more terrifying clowns in cinema; demented and disturbing but also the perfect amount of silly. The writing and acting could’ve used more work, but maybe that was all part of the campiness...? Meh, it was fun enough and entertaining enough to keep my interest, but probably wouldn’t revisit again.

4.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Summer of '84 (2018)

**Disclaimer - for abandoning this blog for months, I'm just gonna flood it with all the reviews I've done since. Bear with me. Or don't. I don't care.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a sucker for any and all things 80s. Was stoked about this movie; great atmosphere, setting, plot, soundtrack. More mystery/thriller than horror, but still fun. Acting was slightly subpar, perhaps some of that falls on the writers. But definitely kept my attention and gave an unexpected ending. Captured the teenage summer/adventure/nostalgia really well. Subtle commentary on familial problems, divorce, life behind suburban curtains, which gave the film some added dimension.

6.5/10

Weekly Movie Review: Bad Ben (Part 5): Crescent Moon Clown (2018)

Part 5 of the Bad Ben series on Prime. Parts 1-3 were entertaining enough: the protagonist may have Aspergers, and he was a joy to watch. Part 4 was bleh. And this one is godawful. Maybe one passable scare about an hour into the film. Other than that, our new heroine Renee, new occupant of the Steelmanville home, just says “hello?” for half the film and makes terrible choices while being stalked by some ridiculous clown and figure dressed in black. Awful awful film. And not like Troll 2 or The Room kind of awful, but just boringly awful. the last 5 minutes however, somewhat save it from a comedic standpoint however.

2.5/10

Sixteen Black Candles

Tone deaf nightmares

Haunting turns to hunting

and all your screams are just mellow afternoise.

How can we keep this

this close anymore?

We’re rotating menially

and sleepily revolving over water.

All is a word that means everything:

Everything is a word that means all.

No one out - no one sparkling quite like you over stunning skylines. 

A man darkly shields his eyes

while sunlight subsists in sunbursts.

I don’t remember the last gauntlet

or devilish gamut’s of gambits. 

I only have one yellow

one pink

and one green piece of paper

that need to last me all night.

Need(l)ing a Dry Wine

I always scrambled

looking for things to distract myself;

where to go for beer - 

should I have a fire tonight?

Revive the ghosts entwined to their roots

drinking moonshine in the twilight. 

Maybe write poems riding on one way tracks

or off the rails - 

screaming silence at starless skies.

I wanted to buy something on Amazon,

but i couldn’t remember what it was;

a consumerist problem.

Unlike the smell of freshly cut grass

in rural Indiana;

a sunset without an audience.

My eyes were off

as the needles swept through decades

of scar tissue -

Subcutaneous tissue; a moon

with the light switch off

and sleep forever unending. 

What if we could sprout wings

and fly...?

what if we did?